What Joy Is There...

Too much has happened.  Too much pain.  Too much heartbreak.  Not sure which way to go.  So all I want to do is hide in my own little world.  If I was still going to OU and still was able to retain things, I believe I could finish my degree.  I loved my classes at OU.  I miss the rushing to the classes and the listening to the lectures, but doing the reading in the books was hell.  Reading doesn't help me retain crap.  Now if it was in paranormal romance, maybe.

I just try to keep from sinking.  I hate this room.  Too dark.  Not enough light to keep me awake during the day.  If my grandson was here, he would wake me up.  I have way better luck with him around.  Plus, I go to bed earlier when we have to share a room.  I miss him.  I want him home.  I miss hearing, seeing, and playing on the whiteboard with him.  He gets a kick out of the whiteboard.

Right now, I am working on learning how to work on doilies.  I really shouldn't.  I just don't have to heart to finish my grandson's magic carpet.  Every little thought makes me cry.  Even when I bought Aladdin for him I nearly cried.

His mom left his coat behind.  I noticed that it is cold up there.  I hope he is warm enough.  I worry about him.  I just hope he is safe.  His mom will not let me see him nor talk to him over the phone.  So much I want to say, but I can't.

Ugh! Latuda!

I wish I knew what to do about a few things.  I know that I really don't want to take the Latuda.  It leaves me feeling so tired that I really cannot make it to a bed in time to sleep.  I am supposed to take it with 350+ calories, which means I am supposed to take it with food during the day or evening.  If I take it at lunch, it makes me sleepy within 2 hours then I sleep for two hours.  If I take it with dinner, then i run the same risk especially if I am out and about.  So really, neither is not a good idea.

Insulin is making me gain weight like crazy.  I was at 160-170ish before I started taking better care of myself, or trying to.  Now, I weigh 200ish.  All in a few months time.  After my ordeal in the hospital with the DKA, I had to start getting on the ball with the insulin, so I am screwed either way.  I chose the weight gain over the hospital stay.  With my grandson, I am not wanting to die right now.  I love him too much to leave because of my own stupidity.

I guess one of the pills is kicking in.  I took it around 20:30 hours.  I guess I better go.  Have a great night.

Another Fine mess

I know it has been awhile since I last posted.  So I finished one project, the "Green Bay Packers" scarf for my dad's friend.  She liked it.  Not easy to finish it due to being sick for a bit.  Back to working on Sid's baby blanket, Amityville cross-stitch, and creating postcards for my grandson.  I hope he likes them.  I miss him so much.  Was able to see him for a little bit today.  He was upset when I had to leave.  I was upset when I had to leave.

I hate that I have to be living away from him.  I miss his little face.  I twirled him around a couple of times.  He laughed.  His mom's birthday was today.  It is not easy to celebrate it when she cops an attitude.  Everything is done for her...NOT!  I have made my mistakes with my kids, but she doesn't think of anybody but herself.

Anyway.  I have to go to the doctor soon.  Found a lump in my breast.  I hope it is not bad.  But, anything is possible.  Still going to work on my projects.  Crocheting, xstitching, plastic canvas, and creating postcards.  Soon I will include beading onto the list.  Be warm.  It is supposed to be getting bad tonight.  Ugh!  I do not like the cold, snow, or ice.  It can stay up north.

Night all.